The Table Read...or, "Deep Breaths"

Tonight I attended the first 'table read' for Daft in Death, the short play I penned which will be performed later this month, and which I'm sure ALL of you will attend. ALL OF YOU. (arms crossed, foot tapping) I wanted to check in and make sure it wasn't going to be an unmitigated disaster and, after a bit of a bumpy start, I'm quite relieved to see that it's in the capable hands of two good actors and a good director who will, no doubt, keep me from looking like an ass---apart from the blasphemous, misogynistic parts which I won't be able to blame them for should it blow up in my face.

As the table read was taking place in a conference room, the (loud) synchronized breathing of several pregnant women drifted in from an adjacent room. It was an apt metaphor for the birthing process of a play. This baby is coming...and there's no stopping it now. And, like a birth, I think I prefer to be involved in the conception process more than the delivery. This baby looks like it'll have ten fingers and ten toes, so now I'll just nervously wait to light up the cigar.

Landry's Delayed Gratification

Good news for fans of Friday Night Lights. The ratings-challenged NBC drama has been renewed for, not one, but two 13-episode seasons. This means we'll get to see Tyra go to college! It also means we'll get to see Tyra drunk and gang-raped at a frat party! We will then also get to see Landry go on a killing spree as he avenges Tyra's attackers! Mark my words---Landry is not done killing. This renewal all but guarantees more bodies will fall at his hands. Landry is the most dangerous redneck in television history.

A dick and a dike.

Rush Limbaugh is a certified genius. There is nobody better at rankling the feathers of anyone who is not a dittohead than the great Satan of conservative talk radio. Ann Coulter is so transparently a joke these days that liberals find her more amusing than irritating. And her willingness to playfully joust with Bill Maher is almost explicit code for "I'm in it for the money." But Limbaugh? Limbaugh infuses just enough intelligence, just enough fact, and just enough humor to be the Molotov cocktail that makes myself and other liberals burn with the hate of a thousand suns. That's skill. And, with apologies to Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, nobody does it better.

That said, the more influential Limbaugh is within the Republican party, and the more his big, fat, bloated face represents what the GOP is all about, the better it is for everyone else. The Obama folks know what they're doing when they try to declare Limbaugh the de facto leader of his party. Limbaugh is an exaggerated symbol of all that's wrong with the Republicans. More stunning is that whenever an actual GOP leader pushes back against Limbaugh, as Michael Steele, Newt Gingrich and a few others have weakly attempted, they almost immediately withdraw with a sort of deferential recognition of the sway Limbaugh holds. It's hilarious, really.

All of this is just my way of introducing the latest idiocy to spew from Limbaugh's mouth. I just wanted to be clear that I actually like when Limbaugh is being Limbaugh. If Rush should ever move to the left, even a little bit...if he should ever strike a conciliatory tone instead of his defiant one...if he should ever start making sense instead of nonsense...then he would become the left's biggest enemy. Instead he's a joke who is helping to divide his party along very divisive lines. If you read my post about Obama and the Catholic Church, I think it'd be fair to say that Limbaugh is the crazy Pope...powerful amongst the irrational types, but a drug-addled punchline to the ones that count.

So, what words of wisdom hath he spoke this time?

From this weekend:

"I heard some top of the hour news and it made me feel uncomfortable. It's about the flooding in Fargo, North Dakota brought on by the melting snowpack and the icepack. (reading from news item) "As the Red River threatens to overflow, they're filling in the dikes." Isn't there a more appropriate word? Do we have to say, I mean, we don't have any dikes here. The 'dykes' are over there...They're filling in the dikes. Couldn't we change that to 'they're filling in the contingencies' or something?...We really need to change that word."



God, I love Rush. He's only slightly less helpful to Democrats than Sarah Palin.

Top TV Pilots of All-Time, #8

The countdown continues with a short-lived NBC drama that ran for two seasons and aired just 24 episodes between 2002 and 2003.

#8 Boomtown (2002)

Boomtown was a high-concept show set in Los Angeles that applied a Rashomon-style approach to a criminal investigation. The weekly incident would be dealt with from the perspectives of the police officers and detectives, the lawyers, paramedics, reporters, victims, witnesses and criminals. The Oscar-winning Crash (2004) owes a lot of its style and mood to this preceding show...though the pretentiousness that pervaded Crash is largely absent in Boomtown. There's even an episode of Boomtown called "Crash". If you love LA-based police dramas, this is one you should definitely pick up on DVD.

The pilot for Boomtown is somewhat of an anomaly in that it sticks to the intended formula far more so than any of the episodes which would follow. In watching the pilot for the first time I remembered saying to myself, "wow, how are they going to be able to write something this complex, this well-plotted, and with this much emotional depth week in and week out?" The answer was simple. They couldn't. The rest of the first season is quite good, but the use of multiple perspectives became less and less relevant to the plot as the weeks rolled by. It was always there, but it was the pilot which made the best use of this storytelling technique. By the second season, for which there were only six episodes made before it was cancelled, they had completely abandoned the Rashomon style in hopes of gaining higher ratings. It didn't work. Boomtown never found the audience it deserved.

For an ensemble drama with no fewer than six main perspectives, it's unusual that its actors still had enough room to carve out great performances. Donnie Wahlberg and Mykelti Williamson play partnered detectives and both are sensational. Donnie is a thousand times better an actor than his younger, more famous brother Mark. Neal McDonough is also outstanding as the city's lecherous, sharp-tongued District Attorney (both he and Wahlberg were in Band of Brothers as well). While the use of multiple perspectives was the "gimmick" which instantly set Boomtown apart from other police dramas, it was the consistently strong writing and acting which made the show what it was. Even the opening theme (below) was suggestive of something with a bit more substance than your run-of-the-mill crime procedural.

And now I love pickles.

The Onion's headlines never fail to make me laugh out loud:

Heroic Pickles Holding Lid Shut From Inside

When a news story isn't really a news story.

I've been trying to wrap my head around the supposed controversy of Notre Dame inviting Barack Obama to give their commencement address (he accepted), but the pieces aren't quite fitting together. For those not familiar with the ensuing hullabaloo, Notre Dame is a Roman Catholic university, one that, institutionally-speaking, holds some views which some of Obama's policies oppose. This contradiction, or "scandal" as some have called it, has presumably outraged countless students, alumni, faculty, and Roman Catholics across the world. But has it?

This is the sort of story which makes me froth at the mouth with giddy anticipation. There's no easier target than someone who cries foul when forced to listen to opposing viewpoints. People who are so insulated that they can't even comprehend why an institution of higher learning would think to invite the most powerful man in the world to come and address their student body are people who are, arguably, fundamentally unserious. If I didn't know any better, I'd think this was a non-story cooked up by the "liberal media" just to score some easy points against radical pro-life conservatives. Except it's not. It's actually a non-story that's being played up more by conservative media outlets.

The truth is, any major speaker at any major university is going to generate some disagreement over the invitation. And, in this instance, you have one of the most prestigious universities and, arguably, the most prestigious speaker in the world, so any friction will be naturally amplified. Even so, this is a non-story. Yes, there's an online petition at http://www.notredamescandal.com/ that has 183,984 signers as of this moment, but that's hardly a reliable litmus test for public outrage. It's an internet petition open to anyone in the world with an opinion and too much time on their hands as they watch Sean Hannity. Without a thorough breakdown of who those small-minded people are, it's a completely meaningless petition. More telling, I think, would be the letters written to The Observer, the Notre Dame student newspaper. You remember letters, don't you? That thing you do where you sit down and actually put together a few thoughts in support of an opinion? As opposed to pushing a button? Yeah, letters.

Of 612 letters received about Obama's appearance (as of yesterday), they are almost evenly split between alumni and current students. As one might expect, the alumni take a far more dogmatic approach to Obama's appearance with 70% opposing his appearance, while 73% of the current students support it. More telling are the letters from 95 seniors---you know, the ones for whom the commencement address is actually intended. Of those letters, 97% support the invitation made to the President. This certainly does not mean that 97% of the Seniors agree with Obama's policies, but it certainly shows an ability to be open to dialogue; a willingness to listen. Obviously Notre Dame is teaching these students right.

So what then, and to whom, exactly, is the problem? Well, according to Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted of the Phoenix Diocese, Obama's selection is a "public act of disobedience" and "a grave mistake." First, I don't put much stock into anything coming from the Phoenix Diocese, that mecca of Catholicism. But second, a public act of disobedience? Look, I know the Catholic Church is not evil, and I know that every faith and every philosophy will have its followers who can make the entire thing seem whack, but is there any religion in the world with a greater disconnect between its parishioners and its leaders? What this so-called story highlights is not the difference of opinions between Obama and Catholics, but rather the difference of opinions between rational Catholics and irrational Catholics.

Just as with the Republican Party, there is a widening gulf between the two dominant ways Catholics approach their religion. One is dogmatic and "obedient" to past doctrine, the other is open-minded, flexible--principled. It's this latter group, for example, that realizes the key to dealing with the abortion issue is not through chastising the selection of the President as a guest speaker, but rather through embracing his visit and understanding that they share a common goal of reducing unwanted pregnancies---someone worth listening to. One approach to Catholicism will become increasingly irrelevant in America, the other will become more influential. Guess which.

Movies #42 - #44: Max Payne, Dog Soldiers, and The Hitcher

As you can tell from this trifecta of movie misery, I've watched a lot of films of late which have been...less than special, shall we say. Quite simply, they don't deserve their own individual posts, so instead they'll have to share what few words I can spare on their behalf. Even this much is a painful exercise.

#42 - Max Payne (2008)

Based on a video game which I have played, Max Payne is a horrible mess of strange casting decisions (Mila Kunis as a Russian mafia gun moll?), bad acting (Beau Bridges, stop, just stop) and, most disappointing of all, an inexplicable dearth of quality action for the first 90% of the movie. For a movie based on a game whose main contribution was the creation of "bullet time," an in-game ability to slow time down such that you can perform ballet-esque gun play moves, "Max Payne the movie" seems to think it's an actual detective mystery. It's not. I've seen Encyclopedia Brown show greater detective skills. Hell, it's not even the monster movie that the trailer oddly intimates it to be. Dull, stupid, and starring Mark Wahlberg (nuff said right there), I don't know why I expected any better.

But wait, there's more! I went to school with the screenwriter! Aaargh! Yes, Beau Thorne was one of just a handful of other Screenwriting students at the University of Texas and The James Michener Center where I attended with a post-grad fellowship. He was a likeable fellow, but I can't say his writing left much of an impression on me. Nobody's did, quite frankly. Not even my own. Nevertheless, kudos to him for sticking with it and finding success. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but the sheer crappiness of the movie makes it somewhat easier to swallow. Or more difficult. I'm not really sure. Whatever. I'm not jealous. And I don't find Mila Kunis's voice oddly arousing either! I don't!

#43 - Dog Soldiers (2002)

Unlike Max Payne, I did have reasonable cause for expecting this to be decent...even if the story is about werewolves attacking Scottish soldiers. Actually, because the story is about werewolves attacking Scottish soldiers. Written and directed by Neil Marshall, who also did the excellent The Descent, as well as the less-than-excellent Doomsday (movie #7), the film starts off promising enough. Marshall has a talent for writing believable dialogue and the early scenes with the soldiers work well on this level. Things quickly degenerate, however, and not even Scottish accents are enough to elevate this so-called cult classic beyond a run-of-the-mill horror movie. The werewolves are stupid-looking, the soldiers are stupid-acting, and the ending is just plain stupid. Ladies, if you like that Kevin McKidd chap from Gray's Anatomy, he's the star of this flick. I know that will sway many of you.

#44 - The Hitcher (2007)

The Hitcher is a movie I watched specifically so I could intensely dislike it. This is also the basis for entering several of my friendships and romantic relationships. As a major fan of the original from 1986 (yes, I did own it on VHS), I knew the remake would suck and I simply wanted validation. I got it in spades. While Sean Bean is a charismatic enough actor to pull off the role of the mysterious sociopath John Ryder, there's just no replacing Rutger Hauer. And while C. Thomas Howell is not irreplaceable from the original, he is when your best option is Sophia Bush.

The most obvious example of why the original is SO much better than this sophomoric remake is in the execution of the famous scene at the truck stop. I won't give too much of a spoiler here, but let's just say that it's THE classic example of implied violence versus explicit violence, and why implicit violence, when done correctly, is far more terrifying than gratuitous gore. Watching the remake you can sense a fondness for the source material, but you sense an even greater need for the producers to put their own stamp on it. You can almost hear the producers saying, "get me Sophia Bush and make her sweaty. It's a reversal of expectations to make the hero a heroine. It'll be like that Starbuck thing on Battlestar Galactica! Also, more blood. We NEED MORE BLOOD." And that's a crap. I mean wrap. No, crap.

Max Payne 3/10
Dog Soldiers 3/10
The Hitcher 4/10.

A perfect 10 out of 10! It just took 3 movies is all.

Top TV Pilots of All-Time, #9

The countdown to #1 resumes with a pilot that is somewhat of a cheat---a cheat in that it was really a 3-hr miniseries, albeit one clearly created as the de facto pilot for the show. I speak, of course, of the recently concluded Battlestar Galactica---the Sci-Fi network remake of the 1978 cult classic.

#9 Battlestar Galactica (2003)

While the show itself, which ran for four seasons and aired its final episode this Friday, was a mixed bag that ranged from thrilling to dull, from insightful to pretentious, the pilot miniseries did something that was largely unthinkable. It managed to placate fans of the original series not by pandering to their message-board insistence that the show perfectly mimic the one they'd fallen in love with, but rather by re-imagining the show in such a way that made the original seem juvenile and simplistic.

One such change was making the character of Starbuck, a cocky fighter pilot previously played by Dirk Benedict (a man), into a brash, cocky and sexy woman. That major change proved to be a stroke of controversial genius which resulted in the creation of one of television's most memorable characters. But beyond that and other casting changes, the pilot managed to combine all the elements that make for great television---complex characters, exciting visuals, multiple storylines, and dark overtones which posed complicated questions about the very essence of humanity...questions that made the viewer anxious to dive into the show for answers. With humanity's population whittled down to about 50,000, the pilot succeeded in making the viewer feel as though they were one of the "rag-tag" survivors---heavily invested.

For all it's high-tech shenanigans, Battlestar Galactica was mostly about the low-tech institutions of our day-to-day lives---survival, duty, and the search for meaning in a world gone mad. I've forced more than a few people to watch the miniseries-pilot, and not one person has disagreed yet. Here's two videos---the first is the opening scene for the entire show which is pitch-perfect. The second is a general promo for the pilot.

Stage Therapy

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if every ugly thought I've ever had about women and about religion was vomited on to a page and then performed for a live studio audience? Me, too! (Fuck you, Neil LaBute.) And now, thanks to the Mind the Gap theatre company of New York City, you and I can both experience the hideous joy of scripted misogyny...as written by yours truly!

Yes, for ten shows in late April and early May, Mind the Gap will be staging BritBits 5, their award-winning (I might've made that up) show in which they perform "British-inspired short plays for the busy Anglophile." I have contributed one such short play for this latest incarnation and it's about a douche bag who dies and discovers that God is a lovely British woman (as played by Mia Moreland). Genius. (pats self on back) This fulfills a lifelong dream to write dialogue that will be performed by a British actor. As we all know, anything spoken by a Brit is pure gold. The words don't even matter. They call elevators "lifts" and toilets "loos." So precious! I just hope the one American actor doesn't fuck it up. The Americans...always fucking things up with that grotesque accent (cursed, Andie MacDowell!).

Anyway, I would love it if you all would do me a solid by taking time out of your busy lives to buy a ticket and come see one of the performances. I'd love it even more if you coerced your friends into joining you. I'd love it even more if you saw it multiple times. And I'd really love it if you told me it was brilliant...even if it's not. Actually, I've been to three of the previous four installments of this series and it's always been a good time. Things move quick, so if one play doesn't suit your taste, you'll hardly have time to get worked up about it before the next one takes the stage. The last time I went there was a grown man in ass-less chaps on stage. (it was an American)

So, please, come watch as I deify and demonize women...all in the span of about 12 minutes. Watch as I work through my many issues on-stage in the most transparent "oh, it's not me" representation of my inner psyche in the history of modern history!

Don't Call It A Comeback...

...I been here for years (35 or so).

Yes, Boy Hates Girl (BHG) is back after a nine-day hiatus, due mostly because I was away in Texas visiting friends and family and eating as though I was symbolically representing every hungry mouth in every malnourished country in the world. It was a grotesque display of excess, but that's Texas for you...and, I suppose, me for you, too. Evidently you can take the boy out of Texas, but you can't take the Texas out of the boy. You can have my tortilla chip when you pry it from my cold, dead (probably bloated) hands.

I'll be resuming more regular posts now that I'm home and adequately hateful about the rest of the world again. (Fuck you, world---seriously.) Future posts will include a resumption of the countdown for the top 10 television pilots of all-time, a rapid-fire update on about 15 movies I've seen and not yet reported on, some critical words for our President, a discussion about civil unions versus gay marriage and, in the next post, some moderately exciting news.

BHG is goin' insane, startin the hurricane, and realeasin pain...in a cranky Jew-gangsta sorta way, yo.

Headline of the Day

Colonel Sanders pulled from river after 24 years

Statue taken from KFC by crazed Japanese baseball fans after 1985 win

TOKYO - He was covered in mud when pulled from the river, and had lost both legs and hands, not to mention his glasses. But Colonel Sanders still had his trademark smile, 24 years later.
A statue of the KFC mascot has been found in a river in Osaka, a city official said Wednesday, nearly a quarter century after being tossed in by crazed baseball fans who felt the image of restaurant founder Harland Sanders resembled a key team member...

Stop Watching Me Read The Watchmen---UPDATE!

UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

It's now five times and counting that I've been interrupted about reading The Watchmen...and these last two are quite the dichotomy. Last night I was at a bar awaiting a theater performance when the bartender launched into a 15 minute lecture about it once he spied it in my arms. He was, however, obviously a well read bartender as he also talked about Cormac McCarthy and a few other books. He actually sounded like a literary critic. He also was not a Watchmen sycophant, so this encounter was mildly tolerable...except that he was so excited to talk to someone that he forgot to take my drink order for the first ten minutes or so.

The most recent encounter, however, happened on the train tonight on the way home. A homeless man/boy, probably in his mid twenties, shuffled his way up through the train asking for spare change. I kept my head down, both because I was reading and because I had no change to give. As he passed by me...

Homeless Man: "Is that what I think it is?"

Kraig: (keeps head down)

Homeless Man: "Is that The Watchmen?"

Kraig: "Yes, it is."

Homeless Man: "Did you see the movie yet? I thought it sucked. Didn't do the book justice."

And people think giving money to the homeless is only going to be used on drugs and alcohol!

New Segment: Meet the Mets

Probably the thing I enjoy most about working at The Met is being constantly surrounded by so many talented people. The art is great, of course, but it's the people who make this institution matter to me. And, as you know, I usually hate people. Unlike at other places I've worked, almost every single person who works here has something "else" going on besides the daily grind of their 9 to 5 job. The people I work with are writers, painters, photographers, chefs, marathoners, musicians, and so much more.

Truthfully, working with such a talented group of people is both daunting and inspiring. From the administrative level to the executive level, it's rare to encounter someone here who is not endowed with some special talent. As such, it seems only right to use this space to occasionally highlight some of the good work my colleagues do. And since their work is so good, it serves the double purpose of taking up space without being boring. Score.

Batting leadoff is Mr. Alex Hills. He works in the Museum's web group, but evidently he still finds time to be a virtuoso keyboard player, songwriter, photographer and blogger. He's also like twelve. I hate him. While he's usually got several music projects going on at once (which you can read about here), the one which caught my ear this week is a new two-man band he's started called Purple Stuff. It's rilly rilly good. They've got more on the way, but here's their first two songs for your listening pleasure.

Stop Watching Me Read The Watchmen

It's no secret that I am no fan of comic books. While the recent spate of comic book movies have been elevated to the ranks of good cinema, the source material still strikes me as juvenile, simplistic and predictable. That is, of course, also its appeal for many people. A good deal of my reluctance to embrace comic books as a valued art form is no doubt my backlash response to far too many who speak far too highly about comics. What passes for character development in comic books pales in comparison to that usually seen in a good screenplay, and certainly to that which one would find in a good book. The so-called "darkness" of The Dark Knight, for example, is still only a relatively benign edge that ultimately fails to breach the real world divide. It's "dark," yes, but only for the world of comic books...not so much for the world of the world.

I always feel some slight repulsion when I hear the words "graphic novel" uttered. It's an apt description to be sure, but I can't help but feel that it's stealing the literary credibility associated with the word "novel." It's like someone who goes around telling people they're a writer when, in truth, they've barely managed to cobble together a few sentences here and there. Calling yourself a writer will often get you more traction than actually being one. That said, I've never read a graphic novel. I've seen the cinematic adaptations of a few of them and they all failed to convince me that the source material was anything better than what a "good" comic book might be. Alas, a friend of mine has insisted I read The Watchmen and followed up by providing me with a copy. Since it is considered to be the greatest graphic novel of all-time, I have no choice but to read it and decide for myself if such a thing deserves having the word "novel" associated with it.

I'm only about 30 pages into the "novel," but I've already encountered one problem which threatens to derail the whole thing. The book, with its shiny yellow cover, is instantly recognizable...whether you've read it or not. So long as you have the tiniest awareness of pop culture, you will know The Watchmen graphic novel on sight. This has made me extremely self conscious as, right or wrong (wrong), I fear the silent judgment of anonymous strangers on the train and on the streets. Worse, I fear Watchmen devotees trying to talk to me about it. That particular fear has already been realized not once, not twice, but three times in the last week.

Dude: "Oh, hey, you're reading The Watchmen?"

Me: "Yes."

Dude: "Did you see the movie yet?"

Me: "No."

Dude: "Because I thought it was awesome, you know? Really."

Me: "Okay."

Dude: "Have you read it before, or is this your first time?"

Me: "First."

Dude: "Right on, right on. It's really good. I think you'll love it. How do you like it so far?"

Me: "I just started."

Dude: "Cool. Cool."

An awkward silence ensued as I turned my gaze back to the thing in my hands. Now, every time I take the thing out to read in public, I have to fight the urge to notify all observers that I am not a "fan" of The Watchmen. I'm simply conducting a literary experiment of sorts...like how I sometimes will listen to Rush Limbaugh...to confirm what I already believe about him. I don't want to be identified as reading it, or as a follower of some sort. It pains me.

I have issues.

Anyway, I'll read it with an open mind and report back if I'm the least bit moved from my negative position on comic books and graphic novels. Don't hold your breath.

Animals I Would Like To Hunt, #17

Pemba, a four-month-old red panda cub makes his first public appearance at Sydney's Taronga Zoo, Australia, Wednesday, March 4, 2009. Pemba is the 44th red panda cub bred in the zoo's international breeding program for the endangered species since 1977.

(AP Photo/Mark Baker)

Photo Quiz of the Day

Quick---which one is the Afghan Hound?

"Women stand with their Afghan Hound before going into the parade ring during the Crufts dog show in Birmingham, central England, March 5, 2009."

REUTERS/Darren Staples (BRITAIN)

Top TV Pilots of All-Time, #10

Just a few notes before I begin this countdown:

First, keep in mind that this is strictly about the pilot---not the series as a whole. In some instances, the ranked show ended up being far worse than the pilot, just as many shows (hello again, Joss Whedon!) end up being far better than their pilot.

Second, after some great deliberation on the matter, I have decided to include a small number of sitcom pilots on my list. It's not that I dislike sitcoms or consider them an inferior species of television, but sitcoms have a far more traditional narrative style...thus reducing the pilot, in most cases, to a simple "funny" or "not funny" judgment which isn't particularly interesting to talk about. There are some notable exceptions, however, and I have added them to my list where appropriate...with #10 being the first of them.

Finally, this list is only a reflection of shows I've actually seen with my own two eyes. I welcome your suggestions for omissions...if not so the list becomes more accurate, than so I can actually find some new shows for my DVD queue!

#10) Police Squad! (1982)

You've probably seen the Naked Gun movies with Leslie Nielson, but there's a good chance many of you haven't seen the show upon which those three films were based. Police Squad! only ran for six episodes on ABC back in 1982, but they are CLASSIC, and I don't throw that word around loosely. From the creators of Airplane! (even the exclamation points in these titles make me smile), Police Squad! served up a similar style of clever sight gags and non sequiturs, all the while doing a hilarious spoof of the heavy-handed Quinn Martin productions of the early 70s.

With the constant stream of Scary Movie-type crap that invades theatres every year, it's easy to forget that the "spoof" was once well done. If you want to be reminded of what that sort of comedy should look like, just check out the first 10 minutes of the Police Squad! pilot below. It's 27 years old, but every joke still works to perfection. The credits alone are worth about five solid laughs---right through to the pronouncement of the show being "In Color!" and the announcer misidentifying which episode was airing...a running gag which never got tiresome.

Another running gag which is just as hilarious in print as it is on film, is the "special guest star" mentioned in the credits. From Wikipedia:

During the opening credits of each episode, a well-known actor is introduced as a "special guest star", but then meets a grisly death during the introduction, thus completing their appearance on the show. Stars (along with their fates) included:

1. Lorne Greene (stabbed and thrown from a speeding car)
2. Georg Stanford Brown (crushed by a falling safe)
3. Robert Goulet (executed by firing squad)
4. William Shatner (dodges a salvo of bullets but drinks poisoned wine)
5. Florence Henderson (gunned down while singing in a kitchen)
6. William Conrad (stabbed and thrown from a speeding car)

The show Sledge Hammer (1986-1988) was an amiable attempt at recreating a similar sitcom, but nothing has come close either before or after Police Squad! to capturing the joke-a-second genius they mastered. Enjoy...and then thank me.

A God-fearing, porn-loving nation.

The Harvard Business School just released a study which analyzed anonymous credit-card receipts from a major online adult entertainment company. It's a good read, even if it's not illustrated. The results, while hardly surprising to me, might be a revelation to others. While there wasn't a huge difference in state to state subscription levels, the data suggests that "conservative" states did have a higher occurrence of household subscriptions than ones considered, by their indicators, to be more liberal. In fact, of the top 10 states with the highest subscription rates, 8 of them are considered to be "red" states.

And which of this nation's 50 states leads the way? Why that would be Utah, of course...Land of the Repressed and Sanctimonious, and home to the people who raised more money in support of Prop 8 than any other state except the state in which the proposition was actually on the ballot. But whatever. It's a Harvard study. Gay liberals. All of them. Plus the subscriptions obviously came from other Utahans.

Anyway, if you find yourself agreeing with some or all of the following statements, you're more likely than those who disagree with them to have an online porn subscription:

“Even today miracles are performed by the power of God.”
“I never doubt the existence of God.”
“Prayer is an important part of my daily life.”
“I have old-fashioned values about family and marriage.”
“AIDS might be God’s punishment for immoral sexual behavior.”

Even if the results aren't statistically significant enough to make a sweeping indictment about how conservatives love porn more than liberals, the data is crystal clear in suggesting there isn't much difference when it comes to people's basic sexual desires. The real difference is that conservatives feel the need to tell you it's wrong...even as they do the same damn thing behind closed doors. Or in airport bathroom stalls.

Better Pilots than even Captain Sully

Back in September of last year, TV Guide came up with a list of the 10 Best TV Pilots in history. While the list would have been more fun if they populated it with the likes of Jack Dalton from MacGyver, or the old (or new) Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, they instead chose to rank that other, less respected form of TV pilot...the kind who, more often than not, crashes and burns on takeoff...the series premiere.

Having recently watched the pilot for FOX's "Dollhouse," Joss Whedon's newest foray into television, I was reminded once again how utterly difficult it is to craft a compelling pilot. This was Whedon's fourth television pilot (Buffy, Angel, and Firefly preceded it) and, similar to the first three, it was exceptionally weak. Whedon is a fantastic storyteller, but he's a storyteller in the true sense of the word. He takes his time to weave elaborate character arcs. He plants seeds which only sprout years later--and at just the right time. He knows how to artfully balance wit with wisdom, and he's never dull. Except in his pilots.

A good pilot has many tasks to balance. It must:

a) Introduce characters
b) Introduce setting
c) Introduce the narrative style
d) Entertain and give viewers a reason to watch episode #2.
e) Convince the network to purchase the show so that there IS an episode #2.

For a procedural crime show, pilots are easy. In most instances, as with your CSI's and your Law & Orders, the pilot IS the show. Those shows stick so close to a tried and true formula that the audience is already up-to-speed by the first commercial break. There's a body, there's an investigator, there's science, there's a trial. The learning curve for procedural shows is almost non-existent...which is why there are so many of them (and why I can't stand them).

But imagine trying to sell a multi-layered serialized drama, especially one that's innovative and different from what has come before it. It's not easy to balance the many demands of a television pilot and still produce something which is both representative of the show to follow and commercially viable. To this end, here's the list TV Guide came up with:

1) Lost (2004)
2) 24 (2001)
3) The Shield (2002)
4) The Sopranos (1999)
5) 30 Rock (2006)
6) Football Wives (2007)
7) Desperate Housewives (2004)
8) Saturday Night Live (1975)
9) ER (1994)
10) Alias (2001)

It's not a bad list at all, but mine will only feature three of these shows...and Football Wives ain't one of them. Yes, beginning this week, I'll be counting them down...Kraig's list of the Top 10 Television Pilots in History.

It's the definitive list.

Richard Nixon and Archie Bunker.

This is both the most hilarious and most disturbing 10 minutes of audio I've ever heard. Nixon's take on homosexuality is, oddly, more open-minded than many contemporary homophobes I've met, but that's not saying much in the end. Mostly this audio is fascinating for the rare glimpse of unedited and undiluted thoughts that go on inside the White House. If only there were similar tapes forthcoming about the Clinton and Bush years...



(tip: Andrew Sullivan)