Monday, February 22, 2010

Oh, right. This thing.

It's been a little over two weeks since I last wrote something for this blog, an absence I attribute to various reasons---listed below in no particular order:
* I was vacationing in Jamaica for five days.
* There was laundry to do.
* I was breaking the heart of a Penthouse Pet (story for another day, kids).
* I had nothing worth saying.
I still don't have much to say, but I will struggle past that obstacle and spit out a story I like to call, "The Curious Case of the Jamaican Jerk Sauce."
One of the most enduring stereotypes of Jamaica is that it's a weed-loving country where people walk around from morning until night with blunts dangling from their mouths...usually as they play soccer and listen to Bob Marley. This was mostly true. While pot is illegal in Jamaica, it didn't stop the local population from furtively (and not so furtively) offering me "smoke" twice within 15 minutes of clearing customs in Montego Bay. By week's end I had been offered pot just shy of a dozen times. None of this seemed unusual at the time or in retrospect. What was unusual was the transaction that went down on the evening before my return to New York.

The resort I stayed at had a basketball court which Rich (travel bud) and myself availed ourselves of on several of the days there. The court was somewhat out of the way and, except for a kid from the Bronx which Rich schooled with little to no effort (niiiiice), nobody else ever visited the courts. Our last night there, despite a lengthy list of bumps, bruises and abrasions incurred from the week's (unexpectedly) physical activities, we decided to go head-to-head one more time. Rich ended up winning the game 21-14, but this was definitely a moral victory for me. My strategy of backing into the lane, dribbling in place for 30-45 seconds, and then jumping backwards with a wild bank shot worked with alarming success. While I would like to credit my natural athletic gifts for the closer-than-expected final result, I think Rich had been distracted by our mid-game encounter with The Bacon Chef.

About half way through our marathon game of futility, we noticed a man slowly approaching us from the distance. He seemed to be a worker at the resort and his slow, careful movements suggested he was about to offer us drugs. As is typical in these situations, the affable man inquired about our vacation and engaged in a little chit-chat. Then he asked, "How do you like the food?" "It's good. Very good." we replied. His eyes lit up and he proudly announced he was The Bacon Chef. For a good while we thought he meant The Baking Chef...but we've since elected to go with Bacon. "What was the best thing you ate so far?" he inquired. The answer to this question was pivotal. I'd be fascinated to know what would have happened next had we answered something like, "the bacon" or "the soft serve ice cream" or the "pineapple tempura." But no. We answered..."the jerk chicken from last night was awesome." Having fallen into his trap, he smiled. "The jerk sauce here is THE best sauce. You can't get that anywhere else. Nobody else knows how to make it." Rich and I look at each other. This was the strangest drug dealer ever.

"You guys want some jerk sauce to take home? Not the diluted stuff. The real stuff." Was he really going to sell us illegal jerk sauce? Yes. Yes, he was. Rich, perhaps because of his Cajun background, was far more interested in this transaction than I was, and thus fanned the flames. After Rich said he was interested in procuring some, The Bacon Chef said, "Wait here. I'm going to get you a sample. You'll see. You've never had anything like it." Off he went, and back to the game Rich and I went. Sure enough, about 10 minutes later, The Bacon Chef returned with a plastic cup of jerk sauce. Rich and I both sampled it and, true to his word, it was the best jerk sauce I've ever had---a little sweet, but definitely with a strong kick. It was good enough to drink. "How much for a bottle?" Rich asked. The Bacon Chef seemed as though he was making it up on the fly when he declared he had two sizes. Rich opted for the smaller bottle which was going to cost him $20. Always a victim of peer pressure and never able to say no to a salesman, I, too, agreed to buy a bottle of said jerk sauce.

"Okay, here's how it's going to work," our sauce dealer informed us. "You give me half the money now, and half the money tomorrow when you get the sauce." Rich and I glanced at each other and shared the exact same thought: we were never going to see this money or the jerk sauce again. "I'll call your room tomorrow and let you know where to meet me." Now resigned to the fact that this was a charitable donation to the local population, we rummaged through our pockets for money. "We only have $13," Rich said. "I'll take it," said the grabby Bacon Chef. We gave him our money, received some vague instructions, and off he went. We resumed our game and Rich, no doubt troubled by the prospect of not getting the jerk sauce he so desperately wanted, proceeded to let me go on an Eduardo Najera-like scoring binge.

At the game's conclusion we walked back toward the resort area and encountered the dealer for yet a third time. "I work from 3:00am to 12pm. What time should I call your room?" "Not at 3:00am," Rich quickly replied. "Call at 8:30am," I said. "Rich, will answer." We gave him our room number, he left, and then we took odds on whether he would actually call. Because I was dutifully sleeping in the next morning, the rest of this story is a secondhand account as relayed to me from Rich. Sure enough, just before 8:30am, the phone call comes. Rich is given specific instructions to "ask for The Bacon Chef" at the Negril Buffet. Rich arrives at the buffet and, after an awkward encounter with the hostess who kept trying to seat him, he explains that he's looking for The Bacon Chef. She signals to someone with a walkie talkie who then radios to the back for The Bacon Chef. Out he comes and, in an exchange not unlike those on The Wire, cash is rapidly exchanged for two bottles of illegal jerk sauce.

Rich returns to the room---by which point I'm up and awaiting the results of his deal. He had already opened his bottle and was drinking from it, but sure enough he had the shit. And it was gooooood:

Needless to say, I came home from Jamaica and bought eight pounds of chicken.


Blogger JMW said...

Ah, there you are.

And braver than me. I could never eat something out of bottles that look like that (like the ones hydrogen peroxide come in) and that was procured in the way you described. But: sounds like good eatin'.

February 24, 2010 at 3:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

la habra police shoot korean [url=]nexium[/url] where to bu white tea cause of anxiety according to the behavioral approach
ed penis aid support [url=]exelon[/url] vitamin c loss grapefruit juice [url=]risks of immunity to antibiotics[/url]

March 26, 2010 at 11:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

April 3, 2010 at 11:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
[url=]canterbury drug[/url] collaborative drug therapy management [url=]buying clomiphene[/url]
drug abuse and effects
[url=]drug store auction boonesboro va[/url] mentor pharmacy academia [url=]dilox celecoxib 200 mg[/url]
uk royal sexand drug scandal
[url=]viagra or levitra[/url] cipher drug eluting stent [url=]clinical studies erythromycin and loratadine[/url] is myropenum a drug [url=]cardura argentina venta[/url]

April 15, 2010 at 1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
[url=]removing drugs from my neighbor hood[/url] mount carmel pharmacy [url=]mefenamic acid allergy[/url]
anal drugs
[url=]drug hash[/url] mind control drugs [url=]why mefenamic acid widely used in pakistan[/url]
midlands technical online pharmacy tech
[url=]redbook drug costs antiretroviral[/url] singh 2006 celebrex american journal of medicine [url=]geodon side effects[/url] browns pharmacy [url=]dog kidneys shutting down[/url]

April 15, 2010 at 8:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

automobile suspension tuning mercedes boots
[url=]mercedes benes free wallpapers[/url] automobile lifts [url=]honda motorcycle rotors[/url]
group one automobile dealers
[url=]volkswagen truck[/url] dodge ram reverse noise [url=]kawasaki 17hp engine[/url]
volkswagen low emmision
[url=]automobile magazine subscription[/url] xbox racing game [url=]bugatti[/url]

April 22, 2010 at 1:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

skyrest travel pillow retailers aaa travel discounts
[url=]travel solutions 60 315 wireless optical mouse troubleshooting[/url] pearl travel mug [url=]requirements for tourist visa to usa[/url]
travel people
[url=]aut travel[/url] dept of state travel bulletins [url=]richmond va tourism[/url]
top ranked travel agency
[url=]travel jobs in idaho[/url] quito travel package [url=]parcel maps addresses on aerial photos ohio[/url] astroglide travel size [url=]beach motel sell[/url]
asprey travel clock [url=]christian mission 10 40 window map explanation[/url]
smith travel search
[url=]us army travel voucher[/url] romantic travel in delaware [url=]amsterdam evening cruise canal[/url]
[url=]how to draw a map[/url] best travel packages to 2008 olympics [url=]the relationship between globalization and tourism[/url] travel family riviera [url=]motel in san antonio[/url]
liberty travel mays landing nj [url=]tuscany inn and suites las vegas[/url]

April 23, 2010 at 6:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

travel lift accicedents international medical group travel insurance
[url=]travel alarm review[/url] travel trailer vin lookup [url=]cheap plane tickets to miami[/url]
global fantasy travel
[url=]tourism travel italy[/url] card credit reward travel [url=]samuel adams brewery tour line[/url]
travel corporate management reports travel cats airlines charter [url=]flight of a bumble bee[/url]

April 23, 2010 at 8:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

entourage fashion clothing celebrity shoes shakira [url=]designer evens[/url] money cars clothes hoes motherfucking diamonds on my motherfucking toes cracker gator shoes lyrics handcrafted designer jewelry [url=]current fashion in spain[/url]

April 30, 2010 at 1:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

anne klein full length down coat aerosole shoes [url=]full figured fashions[/url] surgical clothes chanel prescription eyeglasses [url=]cool boys clothes[/url]

May 2, 2010 at 3:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mercedes lug nut kit volkswagen workshop manuals downloads
[url=]automobile factory service manuals[/url] automobile puy de dome [url=]paisley wood bike trail[/url]
samsung auto scan detect problem
[url=]auto museum maine[/url] nuestra senora de las mercedes [url=]okc seating ford center[/url]
used automobile parts
[url=]automobile death rate[/url] auto injury settlements neck [url=]fiat kit ritocco[/url]

May 11, 2010 at 5:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

building a racing lawnmower volkswagen at cary autopark in cary nc
[url=]automobile stripping[/url] mercedes benz problems with low sulphur diesel fuel [url=]preston hood chevrolet ft walton beach[/url]
automobile conformity
[url=]hays auto world sales[/url] dodge ram 2005 maintenance manual [url=]bike world dallas[/url]
chrysler auto in tucson
[url=]xbox 360 racing seat and steering wheel[/url] toyota of temecula auto loans [url=]auto co[/url]

May 11, 2010 at 10:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

charlette anal
[url=]parent directory dildo index[/url] hentai pussies [url=]did dr jan adams preform kenyas moms surgery[/url]
dolly parton sexy pics
[url=]top 100 hentai games[/url] dildo rowing [url=]is your wife gay[/url]
dildo female orgasm
[url=]jesus movie gay adult[/url] download free rss porn [url=]gay porn men[/url]
sexy massage northampton u
[url=]dildo maker[/url] thai adult friend finder [url=]lesbian 3gp[/url]

May 14, 2010 at 10:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

adult only xbox 360 games
[url=]jpeg archives porn[/url] dildo for garrys mod [url=]free schoolgirl porn galleries[/url]
anal gape video
[url=]free porn sites from maharshtra india[/url] virgin train travel [url=]gay sleep porn[/url]
videos porn school
[url=]jamaicas sexy girls[/url] free torturing porn videos [url=]free hentai little girls[/url]
gaping fist anal
[url=]orange adult chatroom[/url] myspace sexy christmas layout [url=]gay and lesbians in small towns[/url]

May 15, 2010 at 8:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

glenwood mobile largo mobile kyte [url=]pokemon red version mobile game[/url] upgrade toshiba e330pocket pc 2002 to windows mobile 2003

May 16, 2010 at 10:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the original adult book store orlando
[url=]oral sex porn free video[/url] anal toys with suction cups [url=]free toon galleries[/url]
free video bondage porn
[url=]free videos double dildo[/url] sexy christmas wallpaper babes [url=]castle erotic[/url]
maho bay campground st john virgin island
[url=]amateur gay sex porn[/url] free hairy legged gay porn [url=]funny explict toon[/url]
sausage dildo
[url=]hentai hell[/url] adult learning center nashua nh [url=]ag super erotic manga anthology vol[/url]

May 17, 2010 at 3:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

designer vaginoplasty jimmy cho shoes [url=]express clothes[/url] kids clearance shoes guga kuerten clothes [url=]emily deschanel nude[/url]

May 26, 2010 at 12:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

plus size fashions lauren crane [url=]stephon marburry shoes[/url] free template download of fashion store designers fabric [url=]pointe shoes[/url]

May 26, 2010 at 11:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

blood spill in photoshop [url=]lioresal[/url] how to avoid stress
reproduction windjammer tea [url=]anti depressant anti anxiety[/url] sleeping blowjob porn video [url= ]heart care clinic columbus ohio [/url] pictures on diabetes
celestial seasonings decaf black tea [url=]triphala[/url] blood elf start to neutral auction house
how long to clear blood sugar levels before test [url=]gum[/url] diabetes foot spa [url= ]spinal health and rehab [/url] instutute for functional medicine

May 26, 2010 at 4:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dfx sound enhancement [url=]digoxin[/url] hanford community medical center
caverta generic veega viagra [url=]anti diabetic[/url] wal mart pharmacy division [url= ]celebrex generic medication [/url] abhacken penis eichel
what does the bible say about depression [url=]nizoral[/url] indiana farm bureau health insurance
vaginal cancer [url=]erexor[/url] gordian health solutions inc [url= ]sports medicine physical therapy athletic trainer [/url] symptoms of a weak immune system

May 26, 2010 at 10:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

antihistamine types prescription urticaria [url=]vitaliq[/url] wood heart chair
salt and mineral [url=]himplasia[/url] low calorie diet double vision [url= ]dosage for zyrtec [/url] drug brooke amidon
what percentage of teenagers smoke [url=]tetracycline[/url] smoking and drug interactions
magic smoke out of mouth [url=]viagra jelly[/url] mid towne dental [url= ]atlanta dental supply company [/url] graham medical

May 29, 2010 at 2:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

in fashion coupon codes gucci shoes purse [url=]mens adidas shoes[/url] urban fashion outfits and ufo work clothes [url=]marilyn klein princeton[/url]

May 29, 2010 at 3:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

platform shoes funky clothes [url=]designer simpson[/url] gucci scarf handbag grammy fashion india irie [url=]sexy clothes for women[/url]

May 29, 2010 at 3:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

medical forum page [url=]Buy generic and brand medications[/url] tennessee heart
reactive attachment disorder [url=]ceftin[/url] psycologicalmental health questionnaire [url= ]kidney protocols [/url] bearded dragon health
lower burrell health club [url=]fosamax[/url] national heart day 2007
anxiety and flu like body aches [url=]kamasutra ribbed condoms[/url] j diet k9 [url= ]heterotrophic bacteria plate count [/url] big bol gum

May 29, 2010 at 9:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lacie heart creampie [url=]azulfidine[/url] treating secondary infections to the common cold
toddler sleeping disorder [url=]diflucan[/url] blue cross medicare health plans [url= ]medical transcription corvallis oregon [/url] heart monitor watches manufacturers
increasing supply of breast milk [url=]diabecon[/url] jeff kidney
glaucine on drug false positives [url=]ilosone[/url] huge muscle women [url= ]trident technical college smyth health [/url] heart attack in women

May 30, 2010 at 1:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

designer bathrooms boat shoes [url=]international fashion models[/url] fashion in merrocco african black lingerie fashion [url=]leather clothes[/url]

May 30, 2010 at 5:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

exercise muscle [url=]nolvadex[/url] bizzare health news
define hypertension [url=]anafranil[/url] blood pressure reading meanings [url= ]metabolic alkalosis e medicine [/url] aryuveda diet pitta vata
sepultura drug me [url=]serophene[/url] ara medical services miami fl 8538
muscle cars for sale in kansas city [url=]prazosin[/url] weight loss chart for men and women [url= ]occupational health and safety in libraries policies [/url] mistress medical exam

May 31, 2010 at 11:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my free breast implant [url=]gesunde knochen[/url] generic cover letters for job applications
senate committees and health care issues [url=]glucotrol xl[/url] benefits of using financial software in medical practice [url= ]us health care system [/url] new prescription cvs
neck cervical health yoga shoulder stands [url=]maxalt[/url] child adjudicated for drugs
stress of an object test [url=]disfuncion erectil[/url] microwave treatment medical [url= ]chai cocunut tea [/url] srs using prostate for uterus

June 2, 2010 at 1:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

novimex fashion geraldine laurent [url=]convers shoes[/url] designer fabric liquidations lauren hays [url=]heatherette designers[/url]

June 2, 2010 at 5:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

fan club designer tale off all your clothes [url=]pams shoes[/url] gilda delaurentiis old fashioned tomato pizza [url=]anne klein shoes wedding[/url]

June 2, 2010 at 11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

clothes for rang de basanti theme emo clothes [url=]nike plus shoes[/url] designer baby bags lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off lyric [url=]fashion furry boots in uk[/url]

June 3, 2010 at 1:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

commercial space travel virgin concise frankenland travel planners
[url=]travel agents job in uae[/url] travel surpreme motorhomes [url=]flight packages including the novotel montreal center[/url]
travel budget sri lanka food
[url=]singapore to bangkok travel itinery[/url] marks spencer travel insurance htm [url=]comfort inn anchorage[/url]
aureus travel nurses interactive travel planner [url=]thailands airlines[/url]

June 3, 2010 at 6:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
[url=]drug abuse of drew barrymore[/url] which is better viagra cialis or levitra [url=]parlodel[/url]
prescription drug trend
[url=]online phd programs for mental health counseling[/url] norvasc cialis [url=]tanning and naprosyn[/url]
online drug monographs
[url=]antiarrythmic drugs gss brb[/url] drug free banners [url=]ivermectin[/url] federal drug rehab at lompoc [url=]high ultram[/url]

June 5, 2010 at 12:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

free bingo ball fonts state fair bingo
[url=]mass stste lottery[/url] florida lottery claim centers [url=]iowa gambling taxes[/url]
northern quest casino shows
[url=]american legion bingo[/url] grand west casino and cape town [url=]steve miller band the joker lyrics[/url]
rags to riches lottery florida horse betting software [url=]knights of columbus home lottery saskatoon[/url]

June 5, 2010 at 2:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

french fashion laurence drozd syracuse [url=]kleinfeld bridal[/url] modernist home designers in florida ein klein nachtmusik [url=]fashion merchandising[/url]

June 7, 2010 at 2:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

volkswagen esp terry watkins automobile
[url=]first gasoline automobile[/url] jim meyers racing [url=]jaguar e type low drag[/url]
automobile gift basket
[url=]elite mercedes[/url] hemoglocymic auto immune [url=]lehigh valley volvo dealers[/url]
auto cd changer wiring
[url=]mercedes auto parts schematics[/url] automobile lemon laws [url=]dodge ram 250 1991 parts diagram[/url]

June 8, 2010 at 7:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

history of gambling in america tropicana resort and casino nj
[url=]treasure hunt september 21 2007 pa lottery[/url] gambling joplin mo [url=]hog heven slots to download[/url]
free bonus baccarat web casino
[url=]poker casino game casino[/url] iphone versus samsung blackjack 2 [url=]alton bell casino[/url]
louisiana state police casino revenue lottery debacle [url=]playing cards for blind people[/url]

June 8, 2010 at 10:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
[url=]cialis compare levitra[/url] cialis tv commercial [url=]arimidex anastrozole[/url]
womens health des moines iowa
[url=]questions drug informants may ask[/url] compare cialis [url=]celecoxib alternative[/url]
sc pharmacy board review class
[url=]identification tests for sulfa drugs[/url] new erectile disfunction drugs [url=]zoloft compared to celexa[/url] drug enforcement trends [url=]action of amlodipine[/url]

June 8, 2010 at 11:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

peterpan movie [url=]northern lights[/url] toss movie tollywood action movie clips
movie body heat [url=]the wog boy[/url] movie stars showing their snapper imformation on movie
marjorie kerns reunion sex movie [url=]ghost world[/url] kentlands movie theater
kilowatt hours movie [url=]raven hawk[/url] anime manga movie horror hitman the movie 2007
naked celebrity movie clips [url=]drop dead diva[/url] movie magic ep version jane krakowski vacation movie

July 10, 2010 at 6:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

free piano solo sheet music [url=]Ken Block[/url] music organs ryushi yanagisawa entry music
grade 5 music theory [url=]Mr Magic and Pookie Blow[/url] martin luther music music sheets for alto saxaphone playing jingle bells
classical music download htm [url=]CIA limited[/url] code free html music video
flamenco music in new york city [url=]Conisch[/url] persian music downloads mardi gras music origins
southern gosspel music [url=]Minimum Syndicat (Automat)[/url] music classes dallas new music by kid rock

July 15, 2010 at 12:08 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home