Sunday, September 20, 2009

You Betcha!

Ever desperate for new segments to take up space on BHG, especially with the Rick Springfield and Texas Rangers business both about to come to an end in the next 7-10 days, I now introduce "You Betcha!" This weekly segment, one which I'm aiming to post every Sunday morning during the football season, is a list of my picks against the NFL betting told by Sarah Palin. I've even made a small deposit at this week, an online sports book, so that my "top" picks of the week will have my money where Sarah Palin's mouth is. Or something like that. So, without further adieu, let's jump into this week's full slate of games.

Week 2 (road teams are always listed first)

1) Oakland (+3) vs. Kansas City (-3)

Kansas Cityans are my kind of people, God bless'em. Good, solid Midwest folk just struggling to get by. Then again, the Raiders have so many seniors that they're at serious risk of not being able to field a team after Obama's death panels go into effect. This is a close one, but Darren McFadden of Oakland will run faster than a wolf fleeing my helicopter. Am I picking Oakland? You betcha!

2) Houston (+7) vs. Tennessee (-7)

Two teams from two states that might actually vote for me in 2012. I wish I could pick both of'ya! Them Titans look more diverse this year, looking down the field more often with a rifle than with a pistol, but just like that Black Eyed People song the kids all seem to like, I got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good, good night for the Texans. And they have more electoral votes. Am I picking Houston? You betcha!

3) New England (-4) vs. NY Jets (+4)

Boston versus New York---my, that's an awful lot of libruls in one place! I haven't seen that many libruls come together since the Democratic Convention when they nominated a certain black Hitler! I kid, I kid. I love that old coon. I also admire the spunk of that plucky rookie for the Jets, Mark Sanchez. He reminds me of myself, even if he is an illegal immigrant. But you know what? I make mistakes once in a while, and he's gonna have his share of them today, too. Am I picking New England? You betcha!

4) Cincinnati (+9) vs. Green Bay (-9)

That's an awful lot of points for the Packers to have to cover, especially since the Bengals have that talented OchoCinco feller on their team. My adviser tells me that means the number 85 in Mexican. And he's black, too? The Packers must be shaking in their boots! Then again, the Pack has Aaron Rodgers and he's a cutie! Am I picking Green Bay? You betcha!

5) Minnesota (-10.5) vs. Detroit (+10.5)

The Lions have been beat down more often than Ralph Nader at a meeting of the UAW. They're getting better, studying their books and what not, but last I checked they weren't the team with Adrian Peterson on the field. Ten points may seem like a lot to cover, but as a political rock star, I've seen my approval rating go up and down ten points in the blink of an eye! Am I picking the Vikings to cover? You betcha!

6) New Orleans (-2.5) vs. Philadelphia (+2.5)

I honestly don't know what that fuss over Hurricane Katrina was all about. I watched the Saints last week and they were downright awesome! Good job, Cherty! I also hear that Donovan McNabb isn't gonna play this week. And "the city of brotherly love" also sounds to me like a combination of incest and homosexuality. Am I picking New Orleans? You betcha!

7) Carolina (+6.5) vs. Atlanta (-6.5)

Two good southern teams. Now we're talking. I expect this one to be fought on the ground as both teams rely heavily on their running games. When they go vertical, however, look for the Matt Ryan to Roddy White combo to connect for at least one touchdown. But that's mostly because Falcons can fly and Panthers can't...I don't think. Am I picking Atlanta? You betcha!

8) St. Louis (+10) vs. Washington (-10)

St. Louis is an awful, awful team, but I can't bring myself to pick a team full of Washington insiders. I won't do it, folks. I just won't. I mean, sure, I'm picking Washington to win. But I refuse to pick them to cover. Not gonna do it! I'm making a stand on principle! Am I picking St. Louis? You betcha!

9) Arizona (+3) vs. Jacksonville (-3)

God bless, Kurt Warner. A true American hero right there. So, you're giving me a God Warrior and three points? This is a no-brainer. Am I picking Arizona? You betcha!

10) Seattle (+1) vs. San Francisco (-1)

You all probably expect me to make a gay joke here, don't ya? Well, I'm not gonna do it. I think it's great that an entire city of gay men found enough straight people to comprise a football team. I admire that. And the fact that they're all in one location, very easy to round up, makes things even easier for me. Am I picking San Francisco? You betcha!

11) Tampa Bay (+4.5) vs. Buffalo (-4.5)

If there's one thing I know, it's about getting attention. If I feel like I'm not getting the attention I deserve, I just do something crazy and outlandish and then...poof! I'm famous again! I hear those Buffalo Bills live in fear of Terrell Owens doing something crazy for lack of attention in Week 1. I predict they feed him early and often so he doesn't resort to Facebook. Am I picking Buffalo? You betcha!

12) Cleveland (+3) vs. Denver (-3)

This here is just crazy. I know Denver aint got that Cutler feller anymore. And I know Kyle Orton is terrifyingly mediocre (something I know a lot about!), but Cleveland is awful (something I also know a lot about!). This may be the easiest pick of the week. Am I picking Denver to cover? You betcha!

13) Baltimore (+3) vs. San Diego (-3)

Perhaps a match-up of the two best teams in the AFC, the Bolts are home but without their top offensive weapon, LaDainian Tomlinson. That'd be like me without my AK-47 on a hunt! Luckily for them, they also have Darren Sproles who can easily take his place. He's more like an M-16. Not as good as my Kalashnikov, but it'll get the job done. Am I picking San Diego? You betcha!

14) Pittsburgh (-3) vs. Chicago (+3)

Jay Cutler looked as bad last week as I do when I wake up and haven't yet put on my makeup! This week he'll have his makeup on. Sure, the Steelers are the defending Super Bowl Champs, and yeah, Brian Urlacher is out for the season, but I'm gonna take the home team and three points. The Bears are a good team who will find offensive success today. Am I picking Chicago? You betcha!

15) NY Giants (+3) vs. Dallas (-3)

Have you all seen that massive video screen at the new Cowboys stadium? My dream is to one day be on that screen, looking down on everyone. I already do this, of course, but having the screen would be even better! As for the game, please...Dallas is gonna roll the Giants right out of town. Am I picking Dallas? You betcha!

16) Indianapolis (-3.5) vs. Miami (+3.5)

Sarah Palin is...running out...of...steam. It's hard work being me. You try being me for 16 games. It's not easy. Am I picking Indianapolis? (!)

Wow, so that was sort of exhausting. I don't think I can pretend to be Sarah Palin for another 15 weeks. Look for a more straight-forward approach next week! Anyway, here are my "mortal locks" for the week. I'll do my three best picks each week:

Mortal Lock #1: Denver (-3)
Mortal Lock #2: New England (-4)
Mortal Lock #3: New Orleans (-2.5)

I've got $91 wagered on today's games, and here's what they are:

1) New England (-4): $15 to win $13.64
2) New Orleans (-2.5): $15 to win $13.04
3) Denver (-3): $25 to win $20.00
4) Dallas (-3): $15 to win $15.00
5) Indianapolis (-3.5): $15 to win $15.00
6) A 5-game parlay of the above games: $6 to win $148.19


Blogger JMW said...

I love this feature. Have been thinking about a football "column" myself. (Blogging is hard.)

The Palin voice is genius, but for your sake, I'm glad you'll abandon it. Must be a lot of work. Plus, does it actually influence your choices? Do you pick Arizona only because Palin would?

September 20, 2009 at 12:34 PM  
Blogger Kraig Smith said...

Arizona 31, Jacksonville 17.

Never question Palin.

September 20, 2009 at 5:02 PM  
Anonymous Scott said...

If you get tired of doing Sarah Palin every week, you could always try other right-wing figures. Donald Rumsfeld: ask yourself a lot of questions. George Bush: make up words and slaughter the English language. Glenn Beck: cry a lot.

September 21, 2009 at 12:09 AM  

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