Breaking: "Crunchberries" Are Not Real

Disturbing news for cereal lovers...

"On May 21, a judge of the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of California dismissed a complaint filed by a woman who said she had purchased "Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries" because she believed "crunchberries" were real fruit. The plaintiff, Janine Sugawara, alleged that she had only recently learned to her dismay that said "berries" were in fact simply brightly-colored cereal balls, and that although the product did contain some strawberry fruit concentrate, it was not otherwise redeemed by fruit. She sued, on behalf of herself and all similarly situated consumers who also apparently believed that there are fields somewhere in our land thronged by crunchberry bushes."

Next you'll tell me that Fruit Loops aren't actually loops of fruit.

"Judge England also noted another federal court had "previously rejected substantially similar claims directed against the packaging of Fruit Loops [sic] cereal, and brought by these same Plaintiff attorneys." He found that their attack on "Crunchberries" should fare no better than their prior claims that "Froot Loops" did not contain real froot."

You son of a bitch.

More importantly, however, there appears to be a law firm which specializes in failed cases to claim damages from cereals who advertise fruit in their name but which contain no actual fruit. This is as narrow a legal specialty as I've ever heard. I suppose they may next branch out and sue AngelSoft toilet paper for not containing actual Angel skin.