Special Edition: The new New GOP Playbook

Great news, everyone! Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele announced today that, "The two-party system is making a comeback, and that comeback starts today!" Thank God, because I really wasn't relishing having to explain to the GOP why they were failing and what they needed to do to right the course. It felt sort of icky. I was fortunate enough to interview him earlier in the day about specific things in his speech.

So, Michael, what's the plan?

"We are going to take the president head-on. The honeymoon is over."

Oh. The President. Wait--of the United States? That one? The one with amazingly high approval ratings?

"The president is personally popular. Pity the fool who paid for a poll to figure that out."

Holy shit---did you just quote Mister T. from Rocky III? You know he's the bad guy in that one, right? Are you sure you didn't mean to quote Mickey, or maybe Apollo Creed about getting back the "eye of the tiger?" That makes more sense. Plus, the retro-80's reference might play well in a sort of ironic fashion.

"What’s the loyal opposition to do with this popular president? We are going to speak truth to power. We are going to speak directly, and we are going to take him on."

Well, okay, sure. Truth to power is a good thing. Fine. And yeah, it's certainly possible to be loyal and a member of the opposition so long as you remember that your loyalty is to the betterment of the country and not to your party. But even so, Obama's not exactly fucking things up right now---at least not in the view of 2/3 of Americans. "Taking him on" sounds a bit unnecessarily hostile, no?

"We are going to take this president on with dignity. This will be a very sharp and marked contrast to the shabby and classless way that the Democrats and the far left spoke of President Bush."

Great! Except your need to demonize "the Democrats" by lopping the whole lot of us in with "the far left" is, of course, an ad hominem attack. Oh, and you forgot to mention how most of those shabby and classless people have turned out to be correct in their hateful remarks about Bush. Okay, not all of them...but more than even I had thought would be the case. Calling our former president a "war criminal", for example, is now actually a legitimate topic of discussion. But hey, let's not quibble. I agree with your premise, if not your delivery. Still, going after Obama? Why not try to pick off one of the stray calves first?

"They suggest that instead we should go after Nancy Pelosi, whom nobody likes. Or Harry Reid, whom nobody knows. Or this Tim Geithner fellow, whom nobody believes. Or maybe even Barney Frank, whom nobody understands."

Wait---when does the "dignity" thing start? I missed your time-frame.

"The time for trying to fix or focus on the past has ended."

But Obama's only had like 120 days to fix the eight years of mistakes you guys enabled Bush to do!!! Don't you think it's a little unseemly to just want to wipe the slate entirely clean and call an eight-year mulligan?

"The era of apologizing for Republican mistakes of the past is now officially over. It is done. We have turned the corner on regret, recrimination, self-pity and self-doubt."

Seriously, I want the name of your therapist. I've been trying to move on from my own mistakes of the past eight years and I can't quite seem to turn the corner. I mean, I'm better...but shit, if your guy can wash away two wars, torture, recession and insane amounts of debt in just 120 days, shit, I'll be fixed in just one session. My problems aint nothing compared to that.

"The Republican Party is again going to emerge as the party of new ideas. It will take some time, for sure, but it is beginning now."

How will this change come?

"This change comes in a tea bag!"

Nooooooooooooooo! Don't you realize that the Democrats successfully out maneuvered you on the whole tea bagging thing? Look. Michael. It's balls. In your mouth. There. I said it. I didn't want to have to be so explicit, but I'm starting to feel like I had to...like I need to keep on writing my playbook. Wait---where are you going?

"In the best spirit of President Reagan, it’s time to saddle up and ride!"

By "best" I assume you don't mean the one that ignored the AIDS crisis when his leadership was most needed. Yeah, probably.

Well, look, Michael...I appreciate what you're trying to do here. This tough talk approach sounds very aggressive and combative. You've shown me a lot here. You've shown me you absolutely know what to say in order to not lose your job. That's the kind of resiliency your party needs and it's, quite frankly, more than anyone thought you were capable of. However, it's the other stuff that I think isn't going to help your party too much. You know. The words. But don't worry. I'm going to help you. I'll make sure this works out well for you in the end. I am, after all, a shabby and classless Democrat. It's what we do.