Saturday, January 17, 2009

Independently Verifying Obama as President

Because I'm still skeptical that America has displaced the two-term disaster that was George W. Bush, and because I'm skeptical that we've somehow managed to elect an intellectual wonk to the highest office in the land, and because that intellectual wonk also happens to be a black man, I've decided to go to Washington to view this supposed inauguration first-hand. I can't help but think this is a giant ruse, something on the level of faking a moon landing, or perhaps a $60 billion Ponzi scheme. I also haven't seen Karl Rove recently, and that scares me. I won't quite believe this change-of-power thing is true unless I see it with my own two eyes---in person.

And so, with a motley group of less skeptical observers, I will take to the nation's capital tomorrow to view the swearing in of our nation's 44th President. If this proves to not be a hoax, and I think it could go either way to be honest, it will likely prove to be the greatest, coldest, most wonderfully annoying day of my life. Fortunately, thanks to my boss, a Lincoln scholar who is making the national TV news rounds this weekend (FOX, CBS, and ABC), I was able to procure an actual ticket from Sen. Dick Durbin's office---one of the coveted 240,000 tickets available for the event.

It'll likely be a standing-room-only ticket, but still, at least I won't be standing with the unticketed riffraff behind me in the National Mall. Those people won't be close enough to see the stage and verify the truth of what's going on. Oh, sure, they'll have jumbo TV screens purporting to televise the on-stage activities, but I think we've all seen Rising Sun with Wesley Snipes and Sean Connery enough to know that images can be easily faked. If they can doctor footage of a man raping and murdering a woman, surely they can doctor the image of a black man taking the oath of office (and that was with technology 15 years older than now!).

In an effort to minimize the number of people who would be able to verify the authenticity of this event, the Republicans have slowly been lowering the national thermostat prior to the big day. At first it was going to be 38 degrees and sunny and almost 4 million people were expected to attend. Now it's expected to be 30 degrees and cloudy and crowd estimates are down to 2 million people. If the temperature becomes "dangerous", they might have to move the ceremony that nobody will ever know the truth about January 20th. I fully expect it to be a blizzard on Tuesday, but this trusty observer will still be there, standing (endlessly)...and watching.

I know about 30 people who will be in DC for the event, but if you should also happen to be there between Sunday and Wednesday, please do let me know. Cell phones likely won't work (part of the conspiracy), but I expect text messages will still manage to get through every so often and I'd be happy to see you there.


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